


doubts & fears

by candyharlot



Series: zine fics [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bittersweet, Gen, Goodbyes, Senpai-Kouhai Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 10:21:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19828150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/candyharlot/pseuds/candyharlot
Summary: Goshiki has doubts. Fears.They keep him company in all hours of the day. They’re his best friends, but he wishes they weren’t; he wishes they’d just go away. The older he gets, the easier they are to hide, until he forgets most of them exist. The ones that remain fit into the pocket of his school uniform jacket, between the folds in the pages of his textbooks.Unfortunately, there are a few that are just too big, too obvious.Tooambitious.





	doubts & fears

**Author's Note:**

> i originally wrote this for an ushijima fanzine a year or two ago, but then i forgot to post it!!! hope y'all enjoy :'3

Goshiki has doubts. Fears.

They keep him company in all hours of the day. They’re his best friends, but he wishes they weren’t; he wishes they’d just go away. The older he gets, the easier they are to hide, until he forgets most of them exist. The ones that remain fit into the pocket of his school uniform jacket, between the folds in the pages of his textbooks.

Unfortunately, there are a few that are just too big, too obvious.

Too _ambitious._

Goshiki is painfully aware that if he asked his team what his greatest fear was, no one would hesitate to state the truth: Goshiki’s greatest fear is not becoming an ace worthy of succeeding the “great ace,” Ushijima Wakatoshi. It’s been _it_ since the first time he saw Ushijima in action. It’s what keeps him up at night. It’s what drives him, motivates him to reach further, stay the extra hour in the gym even when the palms of his hands are numb from spiking too hard, too many times.

But as the third years’ graduation presses closer, another fear arises—one that he never saw coming, one he never could have predicted.

Then again, Goshiki never expects Ushijima to speak to him directly, even though he’s been doing it more and more often lately.

“Goshiki.”

“Y-yes!”

Ushijima shoulders his maroon duffle bag with his name monogrammed on the side. The off-white stitching is coming loose after six years of wear and tear.

“Are you currently occupied?”

 _Currently occupied?_ Goshiki glances around him. Shirabu is nowhere to be seen, but that’s no surprise; he’s probably already on his way to the library to study for finals. Tendou and Semi, who were watching the practice from the bleachers and shouting their encouragement just moments before, are now walking towards the dorms, bumping shoulders with every other stride.

Goshiki’s gaze flutters to the sharp line of Ushijima’s jaw and… stops. He can’t quite meet his eyes, not after screwing up his last few jump serves despite Ushijima’s advice.

“I.” He chews his lip. “No?”

Ushijima hums as he considers Goshiki, who can already feel his face heating up.

“Will you accompany me? There is something I would like to show you.” He turns his back. “It should not take long.”

“Uh, yes. Of course,” Goshiki replies, wincing when his voice comes out high-pitched and tinny. He clears his throat and straightens his bangs. “What’s this about, Ushijima-san? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Ushijima doesn’t reply. He’s already walking back towards campus, but not in the direction Goshiki expects him to. No, he’s aiming for the older part of the Shiratorizawa campus, where the middle school classes are held. It’s not an area that Goshiki is familiar with; Goshiki didn’t start attending Shiratorizawa until this year (not for lack of trying, but that’s not something he likes to dwell on. _Forward and onward,_ as Reon would say.)

Still, despite his confusion, Goshiki follows Ushijima, determined to keep up without making it look like he’s trying to keep up — head held high, shoulders back. Taking in his surroundings.

He’s so distracted that when Ushijima stops, Goshiki walks straight into his back, nose knocking right between his shoulder blades.

“S-sorry, Ushijima-san. I wasn’t...” He trails off. “Paying attention.”

Ushijima shrugs. “It’s fine,” he says, and then steps over the hedge, into a small clearing between two buildings. Goshiki hesitates with one foot in the air—the sign on the light post very clearly says “NO LOITERING” in red letters—but Ushijima has already moved on. He’s kneeling in the grass a short distance away. _Huh?_

Goshiki approaches with caution, heart in his throat. “Ushijima…san?”

Ushijima pats the ground beside him without looking up, and Goshiki’s eyes widen.

“Please,” Ushijima says. “Sit with me.”

The sun has set behind the trees, but streaks of orange light are still spilling onto the small, perfectly square patch of soil in front of them. A small wire fence surrounds it, crooked in some spots but solid. There isn’t much to look at; a few wilted flowers, what appears to be ginger.

After he gets over his initial surprise, Goshiki sits next to Ushijima, emulating Ushijima’s pose: hands in his lap, back straight, feet neatly tucked under him and knees nestled in the cold, hard soil— _ugh_. The grass is wet and uncomfortable against his legs, but if Ushijima brought him here, it’s probably because he expects a certain fortitude. A certain strength of character.

He can do this… Whatever “this” is.

Ushijima is quiet for what feels like a long time but probably isn’t. The sun has barely moved, but the sky, which was still blue when they sat down, is now the same color as Ushijima’s duffle bag.

Goshiki bites his tongue to stop a squeak when a worm twists in the soil beneath his knee. “So... um.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Is this... _yours_?”

Ushijima gives a single nod and… That’s it. _Right._ Goshiki stops himself from clenching and unclenching his fingers in the fabric of his gym shorts and takes a deep breath.

“I—”

“Goshiki.” Ushijima peers down at him and this time, Goshiki doesn’t flinch away from it. “Do you know anything about caring for plants?”

Goshiki lifts his chin a bit.

“Yes. I know the basics,” he confirms. “My mom has a garden in our backyard. Sometimes I have to water the plants while she’s away on business trips.”

“I see.” Ushijima glances down at the remnants of the garden, eyes creasing at the corners in the way Goshiki has come to recognize as a smile. Before he met Ushijima, he didn’t think people could smile with just their eyes but—well—there he is. “Then you understand why I chose this spot.”

Goshiki nods. “Because it has the right amount of shade and sunlight? And the buildings shield the plants from the elements?”

Ushijima hums. “Indeed.”

There’s a few beats of silence, the only sounds Ushijima’s deep, steady breathing and the cicadas starting up their song. Goshiki can feel the muscles in his shoulders unfurling, can feel himself sinking further into the soil. He sneaks a glance at Ushijima’s profile only to find his eyes are closed, his lips—usually pressed into a firm line—slightly parted. Goshiki has never seen the “great ace” quite like this. This might be his first time actually _seeing_ his rival, his mentor—truly seeing him, that is. He’s learning more about who Ushijima is from this moment than he ever has from watching him play volleyball, now, in the eleventh hour of their time as teammates. Cicadas and a wire square.

Then, the moment is over, and Ushijima rises more gracefully than someone his brawn should be able to. Goshiki stumbles up after him, dusting off his knees.

“Please take care of it for me,” Ushijima states like he’s handing over a country. He pauses for a moment, placing a hand on Goshiki’s shoulder. “Once again, I’m counting on you.”

Once Ushijima is a safe distance away, Goshiki scrubs at his eyes with the hem of his shirt.

“Yes!”


End file.
